Hi Everyone,

I have moved to Wordpress. I have imported all the posts and comments there. A lot of new posts on that blog, and I request you to please start visiting that blog instead of this one.

www.fromoutsidethemall.wordpress.com

This blog will no longer exist after Dec 31st 2009.

I have recently reconnected with my faith in God. As a child I had prayed for my mother to get healed, and when she didn't I decided that I didn't believe. After all, she had been a devout person, who did her prayers religiously twice a day, fasted/abstained during paryushan, etc. As life progressed I became more and more cynical as I looked at how "easy" the lives of other people had been...then I was convinced that there IS a God, he is just "an upper class, upper caste, MAN". That was the journey from 13 to 26. Systematically becoming a God-hater.

Then when I met Roberto life turned a little bit. I don't remember the beginnings of this relationship bound by spirituality, but I remember having to struggle less and less each time I prayed for strength instead of outcomes. Soon, I was reconnected with God.

However, troubles continue to rain, hail and thunder each week. Yes, some people just have it hard. And there have been times in the recent past, that I have felt so lonely and angry that I have distanced myself from friends, family - everyone. Yoga/Kathak being the only saving graces. My bolster pillow with the yellow cover, the only witness to my suffering...it reeks of my tears, yeah, that salty smell.

Last night I was particularly upset. Reasons are immaterial. But it was late at night. I convulsed in pain. Cried. Prayed. I knew I couldn't stop. The darkness would eat me up if I stopped praying...and then I thought of mom and said to no one in particular, "Where are you ma, please help me?"

Just as these words materialized in my head, my phone rang. It was my soul brother Sam. "Hey Sis! Are you ok?" I cried into the phone, not saying a word. He said, "Hey sis, calm down...listen to me..." and I heard the strumming of his guitar. He sang me a gospel song,"I'm in love with Jesus".

And as the song flowed, the tears became less intense, less consuming, less devouring...by the end of the song, I was crying, but mostly in relief. After Sam hung up, I messaged him and told him what had transpired, he replied, "Guess what sis, God listens to your prayers."

I believe Sam is my guardian angel. This is the second time I that I have begged for help from God, in bad shape, I have called for mercy late in the night, and Sam and his guitar have come to the rescue...

Love you bro.

I experienced this, but in a good way today. I have been down lately. Very down. Life seems to be turning the wrong way and I feel helpless. Luckily, I have been writing which brings me some joy.

N pinged me to tell me that he read my new blog. I met N through Roberto. I was glad to hear from him. It had been a while since I chatted with him. And out I poured my story of being down and of feeling helpless and tired. I cried as I typed and said that I was so tired that I didn't even know anymore what I should pray for.

N heard me out patiently, said the sweet words that I was waiting to hear from Roberto and he simply wouldn't. But strangely they soothed me even though N said them to me. I don't know whether it was the fact that he really did understand because he has been through a divorce or simply because he is a good friend, but I am glad it helped me to calm down.

By the end of the conversation, I was back to saying positive things, I said, "I know only I can help myself. And I have to." He agreed, and said that consolation and advice are the only two things that others can offer. While that helps, moving on is the one thing only the person who is in the situation, can do.

As he was logging off, he said, "I still have those 3 things you said .. written on my igoogle homepage.

Components of Prayer
1. Admit that God is with us
2. Pray for strength to endure God's plan for us. Admit that you are powerless.
3. Pray for your friends and family and for the world at large."

A few months ago, I had helped N out of a depressing situation. Heard him out patiently and given him practical advice of what he could do to make himself to do better - Pray - and the components of prayer, are exactly what I had typed unto the chat on that day.

Somehow, that is what I needed to hear todat. I needed to know what to pray for, and I got my answer. They were the very words I had said to him when he needed them.

It was just the completion of a circle - of friendship - of spirituality - of humaneness and of love and learning.

Thank you N.

I am amazed at how generous people around me really are. Even people I don't like, if I look carefully, I find that they've been really kind to those around them! And my friends, even those who are not as "sensitive" as me, they never cease to surprise me with how beautiful they are as people!

Facebook, a social networking site, put me back in touch with with someone I will call "A". "A" and I were good friends in a different era, but lost contact as is the case mostly with old friends. With FB, I now know that he's married and has the cutest son...and today, discovered that he also has a heart of gold.

I opened FB today and saw that a few days ago he had uploaded some pictures and the album was called "KaKu's Birthday" - There were about six pictures of his little son and a young gentleman, clearly not someone you and I would be having dinner with. There was a lovely cake with a birthday greeting for "KaKu" or "Santos" as his name.

Many people had commented on the album asking "A", if "KaKu" was his son's nickname. And it was then that I knew..."A" had so nicely replied, saying, "KaKu runs the house". In case you don't understand, KaKu is their house-help.

My heart swelled with pride. I don't know why. And I thought that "A" taught a lot many people a lesson. It is one thing to be nice to our maids and servants, but ordering a cake and having a small birthday party for them makes them a part of our lives, an extension of who we are.

I can imagine how A-Jr is going to turn out :) A fine young man. Amen.


- For you A...be happy! I am glad we were friends!

I watched her wither, I wished she died,
And then I burned in shame, I tried to hide.
I spoke to none, I knew I'd be shunned,
In my own private hell, I began to reside.

She knew me not, yet I wanted her to know,
I was her little one, the one she bore.
But she continued to fray, and I continued to stray,
It took our core each day, in living graves, we both just lay.

I hit her once, and told no one,
I knew they'd say, she should've borne a son!
I fed her, and bed her, and held her and cried,
And tried to grow up, oh, how hard I tried.

No one came to visit, not family or friends,
Equations changed, and I struggled to make sense.
Father had to earn and he chose to stay away,
Sister and I kept household crises at bay!

Sister got married, it then fell unto me,
To care for that woman, who my mother couldn't be,
And I cradled her as a baby, though 49 she was,
Each day, each week, just added to the loss.

And she died one day, after saying goodbye,
I couldn't believe I had willed her to die.
She was my mother, albeit she knew me not,
And I had killed her, as if with my thoughts.

I took to the bottle, and popped a few pills,
I needed to pay, I had to pay for my sins,
But when I awoke, I was still alive,
I realised I had to live, I couldn't be naive.

I wrote a letter to my mamma long gone,
Said sorry and let go, and I tried to move on,
And that's when I realise "The Foundation" was born,
As people join in, as "The Foundation" forms,
I smile and rise, my new life, I'm reborn!


-- For my mother, you didn't die in vain! I love you. Thank you for being you!

I like myself. I like that I can learn about life from anyone. No matter what their age. I like that I can respect even the youngest person I know :)

Anoushka - my niece - she is my connection to childhood, to innocence, to experiential learning. A few minutes spent with her rejuvenate me and I am away from the hullabaloo of adult life.



Whenever I say, "Anoushka, I love you my baby!" She says, "I also love you." I have heard these words in a shy, loud and energetic, sullen and forgiving and many other tones.

Whenever we say "I love you" to someone, they usually reply, "I love you too." But Anoushka says, "I also love you."

To me, this is unpracticed and untouched by worldliness. Makes me realise how conditioned even our style of loving is. My baby girl taught me the importance of spontaneity and of simple joyful living. "I love you, my baby."

So it was again my time to meditate. It was raining. Pouring actually. Visibility was not even at 2 feet. But somehow there was something calming about the whole scene. I was just ending with my prayers when I heard the famous trio shouting. The school van had come and the brothers had to go to school. Yes, I think the younger one also goes to school. Last time, he could've been sick or something.

The brothers were discussing how best to run to the van while getting wet the least! The mother came out of the house and handed them the tiffin. She helped both of them to strap on their water bottles. Finally, she gave "something" to the elder brother and said, "Share it with your younger brother if he needs it." I was quite annoyed that she was loading the elder brother, all of 5 years, with such a responsibility. Come on Lady, he's just a child too! But she turned to the younger one, gave him "something" and said, "Keep this with you. If your elder brother needs it, give him some of this."

I was elated! She had given both of them a responsibility each AND ensured that the two brothers understand that the needs of the other were important! A bond was forged, a lesson was learned and now it was time to get to the van!

She told them that she would come till the van. But the younger one protested, "I know how to go. Why are you coming. You Go. GOOOO." She sweetly looked at him and said, "Arrre..of course you know how to go beta. I am just coming because it will make me feel better. Let me come na." The little boy paused for a second and said, "Ok, you can come. But be careful, it's raining too much. I don't want you to fall sick! I will have to miss school to take care of you then!"

It was amazing how this mother always knew the right things to say to her sons! She had validated the little guy's abilities to manage himself and allowed him to feel in charge of her :) I went to work thinking, "When the hell am I gonna blog this?"